i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
