I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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