It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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