I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
