If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
