aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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