My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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