Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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