I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
