I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
