when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
