meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize