dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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