So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
