I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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