Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
