If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
