I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
