last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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