i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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