I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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