I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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