She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
