They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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