apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
