Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
