Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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