it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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