i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
