Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
