Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
