I got chris browned last night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
