I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
