yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
