I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
