the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
