My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
