Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
