Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.

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(585): View more from New York

Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.

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(360): View more from Washington

just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way

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