yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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