and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize