Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
