Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
