Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
