We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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