Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
