so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
