No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
