I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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