It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
