I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize