had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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