last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
