we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
