Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
