If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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