booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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