I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
