I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
