Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
