my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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