I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
