i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
