my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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