Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
