I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
