A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
