i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
