Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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