3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
